Saying Goodbye

I'm hoping this will be a cathartic experience.  I'm starting to cry already even trying to write this post...  When I'm upset, I tend to shut down and not talk about it so I don't have to feel pain anymore.  But that hasn't worked very well in the past, so here goes...

Last week, our dogs, Samson and Riley, got in a really nasty fight.  It started over food, but then 20 minutes later, when no food was around, it seemed they'd just had enough of each other and went at it.  I had a hard time separating them, they were so intent on attacking each other, but after a few attempts, I got them off each other.  Riley's eye was bleeding, so we had to take Riley to the emergency vet to get checked out.  Luckily, just his eyelid was cut, not his eye, but he had to wear a cone and go on pain meds and antibiotics.  When we got Riley home, Sam started growling at him, and we worried that they wouldn't be able to be around each other any more.

We called the Oregon Humane Society the next day to get some advice and references for a professional behaviorist.  We had a Vet Behaviorist come over to the house the day after to help us assess the situation and figure out if there was anything we could do.  She said that the behavior could be managed, but because of the severity of the fight, we probably wouldn't be able to "fix" everything and make them be "friends" again.

We told her all about Riley's food aggression history and his recent lashing out at strange dogs.  I told her about how I'd seen him first start snapping at other dogs when I took him to the Doggie Dash, and she agreed that the Doggie Dash was probably an overwhelming experience for Riley and that something may very well have snapped, but that there was no way I could have known before hand (since he'd been fine with other dogs at the dog park before) and that I shouldn't blame myself for all of his recent problems (which I'd been doing...) 

Bryann and I decided that it was in the best interest for both dogs, and for the future of our family when we have kids, to separate the dogs.  We seriously thought about re-homing Samson, but we decided we couldn't give up the dog we'd raised since puppyhood.  So we found Riley a new home. 

We have to say goodbye to Riley tomorrow night.  We are re-homing him with a very nice lady and her 2-year old son in Beaverton.  I hope he will be happy in his new home.  I hope he will be happier than with us.  I hope they can provide the environment for him that he needs.  I hope that my sorrow is for my own loss, and not for what might become of him.  I hope he does not experience too much trauma during the move.  I hope that he will provide his new family with as much joy, love, and unbridled affection as he has provided us in the year that we've had him.

Riley is the sweetest, most affectionate dog I've ever known, and I'm utterly heartbroken to be saying goodbye.  We met with Amy and her son last night to introduce them to Riley and to see if they would be a good fit.  We got an email from Amy this morning saying that she still thought he would be a good fit for their family.  We're going to visit their home on Wednesday, make sure everything is doggy appropriate, introduce him to his new home, and then say goodbye.  Amy is very understanding of how hard this is for us, and is happy to send updates and let us know how he is doing

I'm glad we found someone to re-home him with.  We were very honest with Amy about his history and what he needs.  I hated the thought of putting him in a shelter again.  But I know it's for the best.  It's been over a week, and Sam and Riley haven't been able to be within 5 feet of each other without Sam growling.  We've had to let them out at separate times, keep them in separate rooms, and put them back in their crates at night.  Riley is better off in a one-dog household where he won't have to compete with another dog over food or affection.

This has been a really difficult process for Bryann and me.  We really wanted two dogs.  Riley was "my" dog, but Bryann got really attached to him as well.  Right now, our dogs are our children.  Even though I know re-homing a dog is not nearly the same as giving a child away, it is still extremely painful and heartbreaking.  I can't help but blame myself for what happened.  I keep thinking that we should have been feeding them separately the entire time we've had them.  That we should have gotten a behaviorist to help out sooner.  That we missed the signs and we should have seen this coming.

But hindsight is 20/20 and we can't rewind the clock.  All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and try to do better the next time.  In the meanwhile, we'll try to allow ourselves to experience the grief and pain of saying goodbye, and save healing for another day.