Bennett is 1 month!

After 3 years, I almost forgot how trying the first month of newbornhood can be!  Bennett really threw us for some loops there during his first few weeks.  But like with Callie, I feel like I have him figured out at this point.  We've had a few weeks to get to know each other, and I feel like I have my feet under me again.  

Like with Callie's blog posts, I will update monthly for Bennett's first year.  I've been assured that if I don't update, I will receive prodding from my adoring fans (read: my mother).  And I wouldn't want Bennett to feel like the 2nd, neglected child, after all!

Being silly with big sister

1-month old!

Stats: Bennett was born @ 8 lbs 5 oz, 21" tall.  He spent several days tricking me into thinking he was breastfeeding well, but not actually eating anything at all.  Apparently I was just a giant pacifier to him.  By day 4, at our first Lactation visit, he had lost 9% of his body weight and was down to 7lb 6 oz.  We made some adjustments to his feeding (see Diet) and he started to gain his weight back nicely.  According to our home scale, he currently weighs about 10lbs!  We won't have another official stats check until his 2-month visit.

Health:  Bennett has the same plugged tear duct in his left eye that Callie did, but a warm washcloth usually takes care of the gunk.  He's also a gassy little baby, and we're pretty sure all of the sleep issues we have (see Sleep) are due to his tummy troubles.  We're trying all of the things - gentle formula, breastmilk with dietary changes, bicycle legs, upright feedings, burping frequently, simethicone drops, but he still has non-stop rumblies in his tumbly!

Sleep:  When we first brought Bennett home, he would give us pretty long stretches at night.  Around 4-5 hrs for the first stretch, and then about 3 hrs after that.  Then he started to wake up, and get all gassy, and doesn't sleep as well.  We will wake up to him grunting and farting, just waiting until he decides he's awake and hungry, or just needs to fart.  Most of the time he's down for the night between 8-9 and will sleep until 1am or so.  But sometimes (like last night) he's up at 1045, then 2am, then 330, then 5, then 7, and we go a bit insane.  Hopefully, once his gut develops fully and figures itself out, we can all get a good night's sleep.

Clothes/Diaper Size:  Currently in size 1 diapers, and either newborn or 0-3 mo clothing.  We have been stretching out the days of newborn clothes.  Some of them are so stinking precious, I don't ever want him to stop wearing them!  But their days are numbered.

Diet:  Ugh.  I could write an entire post about our feeding woes. At our 4-day lactation visit, he had continued to lose weight post-hospital, and when we did the feeding at the visit, we took a weight before and after and he didn't gain anything.  Meaning, he didn't eat anything.  He breastfed for 20 minutes and didn't gain anything.  Our LC was a bit stumped.  His latch looked great, he didn't have a tongue-tie, and my milk had obviously started to come in.  She said he was on the border of panicking as far as his weight loss, and so I was to feed him for 10-minutes on each side, then pump for 10 minutes and give him the pumped milk, and then to supplement with a bottle of formula until he wasn't screaming in hunger anymore.

Feeding him worked wonders.  It turns out a fed baby is a happy baby.  But continuing to breastfeed him didn't improve his intake.  At our follow-up visit 2 days, and 4 days afterward, he still didn't have any weight changes after a feeding.  The LC offered that boys are notoriously lazy eaters, and to pair that with a boy who'd been a week late and had that much extra time spoiled with an all-you-can-eat umbilical cord buffet, made Bennett even lazier.

Feeding him, then pumping, then bottle feeding him just wasn't a sustainable option for us.  And when I breastfed him, he was just fussy and popped on and off constantly, and was a pretty miserable experience for both of us (not to mention the nipple pain from his tight newborn latch) so I decided to just pump and to bottle feed him pumped milk and formula.

My supply also never fully revved up.  I was pumping 8 times a day, over 2 hours a day, and I was taking 21 supplements a day for over a week and didn't notice an increase at all, which was making me crazy.  So I decided to wean down to something manageable for me.  I'm currently pumping 3-4 sessions a day, depending on engorgement, and not going insane.

I did try breastfeeding again recently.  Bennett will still latch, and pretend to feed for a little while, and he's calm during the session (probably because he's well fed otherwise).  But then I was skipping pumping sessions because I assumed he was eating this time (which he wasn't), only to be engorged and plugged up a few hours later since I'd essentially missed a feeding.  I'm not sure I want to keep trying to breastfeed him.  I do miss the relationship/comfort/bonding, but it also feels pointless if he's not eating, so I'm less motivated to try.

And I'm finding I can bond with him during bottle feeding sessions, now that he's looking at me.  I'm talking to him more and singing more.  And we can still do skin to skin.  I have daily bouts of feeling devastation at the loss of the relationship, only to turn around and feel relief that I'm not his only source of food, and I can sleep longer stretches at night while Bryann bottle feeds.  I'm comforted slightly that at least one of his feedings is breastmilk, and I've frozen a few bags so that I can extend the amount of time he gets breastmilk.  It's not that I think formula is bad or dangerous for him.  It's mostly the relationship I'm grieving over losing.  But I see that he's gaining weight, and developing as he should, and I think as time passes, and I see how he's growing no differently than Callie did, or any other breastfed baby, I will ease up on myself a little bit.

Baby Gear Love:  The Ergo.  Forevermore my favorite and most used baby item.  We are also a bottle-loving family at this point and I have personally found a microwave bottle sterilizer indispensable.  Among other frequently used items - Costco formula, baby swing, and velcro swaddlers.  

Nicknames:  We just call him Bennett pretty frequetly.  But Benny-Bear came out a few times and I couldn't stop myself.  It has begun.  And it's my own fault.  I was the first one to break.  Otherwse, Baby Bennett is probably what Callie will call him for the foreseable future.

Favorite Songs/Lullabies:  I haven't started singing him to sleep, so when I sing to him, it's mostly made-up songs about how much I love him, or how hungry he is, or how gassy he is.

Milestones/Firsts:  He seems to have pretty good head strength.  He picks up his head when we're burping him and trys to fling it off of his body.  He also has been able to move his head from side to side during tummy time!  He's more alert now and will look us in the eyes when we're feeding him, and he is starting to track when we move.  He also responds and turns his head towards sounds.

Likes:  Being held, being in the Ergo, bouncing, being fed.

Dislikes:  Not being held, not being fed immediately, and having his clothes changed.

Things I Don't Want to Forget:  He yawns just like Callie used to when she was an infant.  He brings his hands up to his little head and leans back and makes the cutest squinchy face in the world.  I'd almost forgotten Callie's yawn, until he was born and started doing it, and all of my memories came flooding back.

The way he nestles his little arms under him and leans his head on my chest and falls asleep after a feed and a good burp.

His little squeaks and sounds when he sleeps.  Maybe I'll have the attention span to get a recording/video soon.

Bryann asked him during a feeding one time "Do you want more to eat?" and the way Bennett sighed/squealed in response sounded exactly like "Mmm-Hmm!"

Week #39

Apparently 10 weeks goes by fast when you're at the end of your pregnancy!  I have generally been feeling so worn out between work, and taking care of Callie in the evenings, and juggling household maintenance that the last thing I want to do is get on my computer and blog.  (Good thing I don't do this for a living!)  But I still want to offer #2 insight into the pregnancy, should he be interested someday, so I'm trying to squeeze some updates in during these final days!

We decided some time ago to name baby boy "Bennett", but I suppose it can be blog official now.  I'm not sure how we came up with it.  I saw or heard it somewhere, and played around with it (and possibly researched origins and meaning and popularity, as I am known to do).  We started calling him Bennett to test it out, and I suppose it stuck when we told Callie that his name was Bennett.  (She only ever calls him Baby Bennett, by the way.  Totally adorbs.)  It was a little late to turn back once she started pointing out my "big big belly" to everyone that passed by and letting them know that that's her brother, Baby Bennett.

Bennett is a derivitive of the latin Benedictus (as are all Ben-rooted names) which means "Blessed".  For babies, it can be interpreted as "blessed little one", but I prefer to interpret it to mean that we all are blessed with this little life who made his way to us and decided to stick around.

While Bennett has traditionally been a last name, originating mostly from England and Normady, it is gaining popularity as a first name, and Bryann and I both think it's fun as a kids name, and is sophisticated as a man's name.  It's still not in the top 100 as far as boys names go, which was one of our preferences, but it's sharply on the rise, so who knows.  Perhaps the world will be flooded with Bennetts in a few years, and our teen son will use it in his arsenal of reasons to be mad at us for ruining his life.  :-P

In other news, the nursery is ready, aside from a couple of boxes of goodwill donations and bags of wrapping paper, tags, hangers, and other unwrapping garbage that just needs to be taken out!  I have been meaning to get it cleaned up so I can take photos of the room before it's occupied....  Add that to our to-do list over the next few days.  Aside from that, we have everything we need.  Pack'n'play is set up in our bedroom, next to the bed.  Diaper bag is packed for the hospital.  Infant car seat is in the car and ready to go.  I am SO far ahead of the game the 2nd time around, I should get an award!  I had some serious nesting syndrome with this pregnancy, and hardly felt the need to nest at all with Callie.  Who knows if that has any links to Bennett's personality, but time will tell.

Callie is getting excited to meet her baby brother.  The other day she let us know that it was her job to get baby Bennett out of his crib... we had to have a discussion about what jobs Callie is well suited for - playing with baby, giving hugs and kisses, tickling baby, helping us get diapers, reading to baby - and what jobs were for mommy and daddy only - picking up baby, feeding baby, changing baby's diaper.  C has been around enough infants that I think she has an idea of what we're all in for, but we'll see whether expectations meet reality when she's faced with her attention-stealing baby brother.  But she's so kind and gentle with our friends babies, that I'm confident she'll adjust well.

What Baby T has been up to:

• Bennett is the size of a mini-watermelon right now.  We went to the pumpkin patch last weekend and Bryann wanted to do a pic comparing a pumpkin to my belly, but I conveniently forgot to do it.  heehee
• He was considered full term after 37 weeks, and has really just been putting on the pounds over the last few weeks.  His lungs are now fully developed and he's been practicing breathing (my OB even saw it!) and has been hiccuping a few times a day.  
• He also likes to practice stretching and kicking and trying to tumble around like the good ol' days, but he's run out of room and so just ends up kneeing me in the ribs instead.  

Pregnancy symptoms include:

• Ugh!  These last few weeks really suck.  I have managed to avoid the stretch marks and the swelling, but if it's on the list otherwise, I've got it!  Heartburn, restless leg, itchy abdomen, back pain, round ligament pain, exhaustion and fatigue, constipation and gas, and the list goes on.
• I feel like I have a mini-pharmacy at my bedside.  I take my prenatals at night as well as some pepcid for the heartburn, some benedryl for the restless leg and to help me get to sleep, some TUMS for the heartburn that I currently have, and saline spray for my simultaneously dry and congested nose (what?!)
• The strong desire to not be pregnant anymore.  I remember during my last few weeks with C, I was ok being pregnant awhile longer.  Catch up on rest, sleep a little longer, enjoy the final days before my life completely changed.  But not this time.  I'm ready.  Let's do this.  I am already not sleeping longer than 2 hour stretches from either needing to pee or needing to burp or feeling like I'm going to vomit from the acid reflux.  I'd rather have a reason I'm not sleeping, like feeding a baby, than dealing with this crap any longer! 

Week #29

29 weeks

I can't even remember the 3 weeks since I posted last!  Life has been busy, and my pregnancy anxiety has been relatively low, which allows my days to go by at a normal pace, instead of the incredibly, torturously slow rate of the first 15 or so weeks.

Bryann has been traveling more frequently lately, so I've been trying to fill up my week nights with people to see and things to do.  Callie and I have been enjoying "Girls Time" while Bryann is gone, and for the most part, she's been pretty wonderful.  She plays hard, and cuddles hard!  And she's very sweet with baby, though she's not always cautious when she's climbing on me for closer cuddles.

I've been trying to exercise more frequently.  I try to walk between 2-3 miles after work most days, but since it's gotten so hot lately, I decided to join Bryann's gym and supplement with some exercise classes.  I think the time has passed for me to be doing regular Yoga.  I tried it a few times, and it definitely became gradually more difficult to manage with a belly.  But I've been really enjoying a Pilates class on Thursday evenings, and a PowerFit class which is like light circuit weights.  I've been trying to go to that on Tuesday evenings, or catch the MWF noon class when I work from home.  I feel better about my fitness level and my body since I've been exercising, so even though I'm definitely bigger and showing earlier this pregnancy, I don't feel lazy or unhealthy.

Bryann has been able to get the flooring finished in the nursery, and all the trim has been put back on.  We still need to calk it back on, plug in the nail holes, and re-paint the last bit of the wall since the wood floor is slightly lower than the carpeting was.  But... we still have 11 weeks!  I'm also planning on painting white stripes on the accent wall, but haven't gotten around to it yet.  We haven't been feeling the deadline pressure just yet!  I had a bunch of other fun, labor intensive ideas for the nursery, but decided to keep it simple and classy, and a type of room/color scheme that baby boy can grow up in.

Week #26

25 and 4/7 weeks along!

Ohhhhh boy.  Oh boy oh boy oh boy.  Either this boy is a moose, or he's positioned himself in a totally different way than Callie did!  I'm 26 weeks along today, and I feel as though I look like I did when I was 33 weeks along with little C!  I'm feeling all the aches and pains as though I were farther along as well.  But baby boy seems to be pretty happy in there.  He practices Tai Bo several times a day in between naps and stretches.  He is active around 5am, 8-9am, around noon, around 5, and around 10pm.  Luckily I am able to sleep through any middle-of-the-night play sessions!

Pregnancy, aside from the aches and pains, has been smooth sailing since the last post.  Ever since I began to feel baby move around and kick, my anxiety has decreased considerably, and the days pass quickly.  When I was 15 weeks, I had bought an at-home doppler so I could listen to his heartbeat and verify he was still alive.  Of course the next week he starts kicking hard enough for me to feel him, and my amazing purchase has been rendered nearly useless.  :-) Every once in awhile, I'll still listen though.  Callie likes to listen in, too.

Callie is completely adorable about her baby brother.  She loves to give my belly hugs and kisses, and say "hello".  She likes to tell us that she's getting a baby brother soon, and she makes sure we know that he can't walk yet.  And she tells me to eat lots of food so he will grow big and strong!  Once, she was talking to me about when the baby comes out, he's going to POP out of my belly button (as she holds her arms out wide), and we had a nice talk about how babies are born.  I'm fairly sure she got the idea from the Hungry Hungry Caterpillar book ("and POP!  Out of the egg, came a tiny, and very hungry caterpillar.") but she didn't seem too flabbergasted when I told her about vaginal birth.

We got Callie's big girl room put together about a month ago.  We ripped up the carpet and subfloor, put down new CDX and continued the bamboo hardwood through her room.  And we painted the trim to match the rest of the house, and Callie picked out a gorgeous peach color for her walls.  (At first she said she wanted purple, but when I put a purple sample up she walked in and said "Nooooo!  Not PURPLE!  PINK!"... oh toddlers...)  She loves her new room and loves showing it to whoever comes over to visit!

We are currently working on getting the nursery put back together.  We are re-doing the floors in the same way, and I'm planning on painting some thick white horizontal stripes on the feature wall.  Remodel work keeps getting interupted by Bryann's work travel schedule, and me wanting to spend time as a family doing fun stuff instead of working on the house.  :-P  But we'll get there!  Thankfully, we aren't doing many changes to the nursery.  A little paint here.  A few different fabrics there.  (My friend Anna-Lisa has made a quilt that she claims is her most gorgeous quilt she's made yet, but she won't let me see it yet!  Waaaah! She's also slaving away over doing new changing table basket liners in  nautical fabrics!  What a good friend I have!)

What Baby T has been up to:

• Baby is the size of a... Scallion?  wtf Baby Center?  Give me a better fruit/vegetable than a scallion!  Apparently I missed all the cute fruits over the past several weeks.  He's about 1 and 2/3 lbs, and measures 14 inches from head to heel.  
• He began putting on some baby fat last week (yeah! no kidding!) and his skin is smoothing out, and hair is starting to grow!  
• His lungs are getting set for the outside world.  They have developed branches of the respiratory tree as well as a substance called surfactant which will help air sacs inflate once he is born. 
• Ears are developed and he can hear me talking and singing to Callie (and sometimes yelling at the dog)

Pregnancy symptoms include:

• Heartburn, heartburn, and more heartburn.  I knew this was coming, because I struggled with it so much with Callie.  But UGH!  Heartburn sucks!  I finally put together a travel pack of TUMS to keep in my purse last night because I was in such agony at work yesterday.
• Backaches
• Tossing and turning at night because I can't ever get comfortable
• Bryann also now has to help push me out of the car when we park on our driveway, because I can't seem to manage to hold the door open and get myself out while on an incline.  Only slightly embarrassing...
• Braxton hicks.  Just, like, all the time. Ever since around 10-12 weeks.  So fun.  

What I miss/What I'm looking forward to:

• Drinking...  I'm currently planning a wine-tasting trip for a friend's bachelorette weekend.  And I am le sad that I can't enjoy all the tasty tasty wineries we'll be going to.  I was half-tempted to book crappy wineries, so I wouldn't be so jealous, but I love my friend too much to do that to her.  
• I'm looking forward to Bryann and my weekend away in Bend babymoon.  Bryann's mom wanted to come visit and have a Callie weekend this fall before baby boy comes, so Bryann and I are escaping to Sunriver for a few days in September!  I warned him that I will probably just want to sleep, and drink endless cups of coffee, and read in our adirondak chairs on our private deck (which he's totally ok with), but who know.  Maybe I'll feel adventurous and it will still be warm and we can float the river, or do an easy hike.  
• I'm looking forward to not being pregnant anymore.  And maybe never being pregnant again!  I'm not a fan, and I would love to have my body back to myself again. 

• 

  26 weeks

   

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  Nursery in progress!

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  Callie's new room.  Not a finished pic, but it's what I had on my phone when I posted this!

Week #18

18 weeks

Baby Boy Turner is due on November 3rd, 2016!  This pregnancy has so far been very similar to Callie's, except that symptoms happened waaaay earlier.  I had all-day nausea and morning sickness starting around 6 weeks, and I started showing a little baby bump around 10-11 weeks along.  I haven't had any strong food aversions or cravings, although chicken was a little touch and go there for awhile, and it's still not my preferred food, to Bryann's dismay.

It's been helpful throughout this pregnancy to go back and look at my posts about my pregnancy with Callie.  My memories have not been as accurate as my recordings, and I'm so glad I wrote about what I was feeling and thinking as I was experiencing everything!  According to my memories, my pregnancy was care-free and la-di-da, when in reality, I had similar bouts of anxiety, and physical discomfort.

Now that I'm well in to my 2nd trimester though, I'm feeling much less anxious, and they days are passing more quickly.  We had an early genetics test, so we are comforted that there were no genetic abnormalities detected, and as a bonus, we got to find out that we were having a boy well before our anatomy scan!

I had convinced Bryann we were having another girl, so it's been a bit of an adjustment for us, but we're both really excited about having a baby boy, and Callie is SO sweet and talks about her baby brother all the time!

What Baby T has been up to

• Kicking, and growing, and making me feel wonderful to be aware of him all the time.  
• Baby boy is the size of a turnip (growing in to a bell pepper) this week and is measuring 5 oz, 5in., which says more about my size and weight gain, considering I look like I have a small melon in there...  Maybe we'll find out at the ultrasound that he's actually enormous, and I haven't just been eating too many hamburgers... 
• His skeleton has been changing from soft cartilage to bone, hearing is developing (which explains why I felt him kick pretty actively whenever we were at a Broadway show last week).
• He's also in the middle of a growth spurt, so I can expect to look more and more pregnant over the next few weeks.  I guess that means I NEED to keep eating hamburgers, so baby boy can keep growing!  

Pregnancy symptoms include:

• There seems to be a very specific window of time where I'm nauseated.  When we were in NYC last week, I didn't feel nauseous once!  But I was sleeping in until 9am.  We get home, and as soon as I'm up at 7am again, I resume my morning routine of dry-heaving for about a minute.  I thought I was over the nausea... but alas...  true "morning sickness" is my curse.
• I have to pee constantly.  I was up 3 times last night.  Before I was pregnant with Callie, I thought the peeing was just bc the baby was on top of your bladder.  But nope!  It is my constant companion.  
• I'm also walking slower and out of breath easier than when not pregnant.  I even walk slower than Bryann now, which is really saying something.  He also has to push me up stairs already, which is only mildly embarrassing for only being 18 weeks along.  

What I miss/What I'm looking forward to:

• It has been stupidly hot all the time, everywhere I go.  I miss having a nice, ice-cold, Portlandia-style artisan beer after work on my deck, while Callie plays on the porch or in the grass, and just relaxing.  Alcohol will forever be on the list of what I miss during pregnancy!
• I'm looking forward to my ultrasound appointment on June 13th.  We already know the gender, and we are already fairly confident that there are no genetic abnormalities.  But I love checking in and seeing those little arms and legs, and seeing him move around!  We're so in love already.  <3 

... and since I'm not doing blog posts for the previous weeks, here are photos from week 15 and week 12.  :-)  

15 weeks

12 weeks

11 week bump!

We are Due with #2... again!

I figure it's about time I start writing about this pregnancy.  A series of pregnancy losses and a 13-week miscarriage really puts a damper on one's excitement about another pregnancy.  This pregnancy has been exciting, but more so anxiety-inducing and terrifying on a near daily basis.  And it's been difficult to let myself get excited about it, and share my joy with others, for fear of losing another baby.  For fear that jinxing is really a thing, and I'll bring more heartache on myself if I let myself be happy.  So I've been pretty quiet, and reserved, and just not my usual self this go-round.

But things are going really well.  And we're REALLY happy.  And I'm 18 weeks along.  So it's time to share, and let joy in.
...

When I found out I was pregnant last May, I wrote this post.  It's been sitting in here since then, and I hadn't been able to face it after the loss, nor able to write about anything else since.  I've revisited it a few times during this pregnancy, not sure what to do with it.  I considered deleting it, but it doesn't feel right.  So I've left it, in it's entirety.  When I read it, it makes me feel silly, and naive to have thought that everything would go as smoothly as with Callie.  But I remember how incredibly overjoyed I was to find out I was pregnant.  And I don't want to delete that and pretend it never happened.

I lost this pregnancy below at just 5 weeks on May 5th.  I got pregnant again in July, and carried until 13-weeks, and ended up losing that pregnancy on October 3rd.  I was pregnant again in December and lost it again at 5 weeks on my birthday, January 3rd.  All told - 2 "chemical" pregnancies, and one miscarriage.  So... we are still very fertile.  My body just had a hard time holding on to them.

Anyway, to be a good steward of my past joy, here's the post from the first pregnancy last spring.
...

Just yesterday, I found out I am pregnant!!!!!!   (I don't think I can put enough exclamation points on that sentence, so this aside will hopefully drive home the point that I'm SUPER excited!)

I am almost 4 weeks pregnant (calculated from last menstrual start date) and #2 is due January 15, 2016.  It's no secret that we were going to try for baby #2 after we got back from our cruise, but I think it'll be a surprise that it happened so quickly.  Lesson learned - we are super fertile.  Be careful!

I had actually been testing since the middle of last week with EPT's.  I took 3 of them last week a few days apart from each other, and they all came out negative.  I figured with that many negative EARLY pregnancy tests, I was probably not pregnant.  But I didn't start my period on Tuesday, and even on a shorter 25 day cycle, I got suspicious.  I took a regular test Tuesday night after I got home from choir, and initially the control line popped up in bright pink, but nothing on the test line.  If not for my friend's story about throwing away her positive pregnancy test because she hadn't given it long enough to result, and her husband finding it in the trash, I would have thrown that test away, too!  But I left it on the counter and came back to it a few minutes later, and sure enough, there was a suuuuuuuuuper duper faint line on the test strip.  I texted a picture of the test to a friend to see what she thought, and she basically text exploded with joy that I was pregnant and said that ANY line means it's positive, no matter how faint.  So, I did another test yesterday morning (just as faint a line) and I went in to my PCP clinic to get a confirmation of pregnancy test done.  Even the clinic had to test it twice because the lines were so faint, but they said I'm definitely pregnant and it's just really early.  Lesson learned - EPT's are total crap and a waste of good money!

Doesn't this look negative to you?

Test from Tuesday night, and another test from Wednesday morning, a few hours later.  

It's funny how different my reaction to this pregnancy is from last time.  It took me a few weeks to get over the "Holy Effing Sh*t" aspect of being pregnant last time.  But this time I am just plain excited.  Joyous, even!  Soooo looking forward to being a family of 4.

I feel like now that I'm a mother, most things just aren't a big deal anymore.  I feel like I can handle anything that gets thrown my way.  When I found out I was pregnant with Callie, it had seemed like a good idea, in theory, to start a family.  But when that became a fast reality, it was a little tough to get over the "how the hell am I going to be responsible for another human being?!? I'm barely an adult myself!" reaction I had at first.  But I've been there, done that, survived to tell the tale.  I know #2 will be different, maybe harder, but I know I can handle it.  I know WE, as a family, can handle it.

I surprised Bryann with the news last  night by putting Callie in a "Big Sister" shirt.  He didn't notice at first and was wondering why I kept staring at him strangely.  I had to ask him if he liked her outfit.  He turned to me and said "Are you really pregnant??!" and ran over and gave me a big hug.

I'm not sure when we'll tell our friends and family.  We have Wine & Dine this weekend... I'm not sure I'll be able to get away with not drinking and not raising suspicions.  I'd like to be at least 6 weeks along before we share the news.  If I miscarry I will probably tell a few of my friends, but maybe everyone in my social circle doesn't need to know.  We'll see how long we can play it cool.  My face basically explodes with joy every time I think about it...

To the Baby I'll Never Get to Hold -

Yesterday was your due date.  April 10, 2016.  I knew this day would come.  And I knew it would be painful for me.  And the day after is painful as well.  As is every day since I lost you.  And as will probably be every day to come.

I will never get to hold you.  I will never get to meet you.  But I have faith that your soul was not meant for that body.  And I hope that whatever your soul was made of will find its way in to another life.

We planted some camellia bushes in our backyard yesterday to celebrate your memory.  I've loved you every day, since the moment I knew I was pregnant.  And I will love you every day until my very last.