We are Due with #2... again!

I figure it's about time I start writing about this pregnancy.  A series of pregnancy losses and a 13-week miscarriage really puts a damper on one's excitement about another pregnancy.  This pregnancy has been exciting, but more so anxiety-inducing and terrifying on a near daily basis.  And it's been difficult to let myself get excited about it, and share my joy with others, for fear of losing another baby.  For fear that jinxing is really a thing, and I'll bring more heartache on myself if I let myself be happy.  So I've been pretty quiet, and reserved, and just not my usual self this go-round.

But things are going really well.  And we're REALLY happy.  And I'm 18 weeks along.  So it's time to share, and let joy in.
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When I found out I was pregnant last May, I wrote this post.  It's been sitting in here since then, and I hadn't been able to face it after the loss, nor able to write about anything else since.  I've revisited it a few times during this pregnancy, not sure what to do with it.  I considered deleting it, but it doesn't feel right.  So I've left it, in it's entirety.  When I read it, it makes me feel silly, and naive to have thought that everything would go as smoothly as with Callie.  But I remember how incredibly overjoyed I was to find out I was pregnant.  And I don't want to delete that and pretend it never happened.

I lost this pregnancy below at just 5 weeks on May 5th.  I got pregnant again in July, and carried until 13-weeks, and ended up losing that pregnancy on October 3rd.  I was pregnant again in December and lost it again at 5 weeks on my birthday, January 3rd.  All told - 2 "chemical" pregnancies, and one miscarriage.  So... we are still very fertile.  My body just had a hard time holding on to them.

Anyway, to be a good steward of my past joy, here's the post from the first pregnancy last spring.
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Just yesterday, I found out I am pregnant!!!!!!   (I don't think I can put enough exclamation points on that sentence, so this aside will hopefully drive home the point that I'm SUPER excited!)

I am almost 4 weeks pregnant (calculated from last menstrual start date) and #2 is due January 15, 2016.  It's no secret that we were going to try for baby #2 after we got back from our cruise, but I think it'll be a surprise that it happened so quickly.  Lesson learned - we are super fertile.  Be careful!

I had actually been testing since the middle of last week with EPT's.  I took 3 of them last week a few days apart from each other, and they all came out negative.  I figured with that many negative EARLY pregnancy tests, I was probably not pregnant.  But I didn't start my period on Tuesday, and even on a shorter 25 day cycle, I got suspicious.  I took a regular test Tuesday night after I got home from choir, and initially the control line popped up in bright pink, but nothing on the test line.  If not for my friend's story about throwing away her positive pregnancy test because she hadn't given it long enough to result, and her husband finding it in the trash, I would have thrown that test away, too!  But I left it on the counter and came back to it a few minutes later, and sure enough, there was a suuuuuuuuuper duper faint line on the test strip.  I texted a picture of the test to a friend to see what she thought, and she basically text exploded with joy that I was pregnant and said that ANY line means it's positive, no matter how faint.  So, I did another test yesterday morning (just as faint a line) and I went in to my PCP clinic to get a confirmation of pregnancy test done.  Even the clinic had to test it twice because the lines were so faint, but they said I'm definitely pregnant and it's just really early.  Lesson learned - EPT's are total crap and a waste of good money!

Doesn't this look negative to you?

Test from Tuesday night, and another test from Wednesday morning, a few hours later.  

It's funny how different my reaction to this pregnancy is from last time.  It took me a few weeks to get over the "Holy Effing Sh*t" aspect of being pregnant last time.  But this time I am just plain excited.  Joyous, even!  Soooo looking forward to being a family of 4.

I feel like now that I'm a mother, most things just aren't a big deal anymore.  I feel like I can handle anything that gets thrown my way.  When I found out I was pregnant with Callie, it had seemed like a good idea, in theory, to start a family.  But when that became a fast reality, it was a little tough to get over the "how the hell am I going to be responsible for another human being?!? I'm barely an adult myself!" reaction I had at first.  But I've been there, done that, survived to tell the tale.  I know #2 will be different, maybe harder, but I know I can handle it.  I know WE, as a family, can handle it.

I surprised Bryann with the news last  night by putting Callie in a "Big Sister" shirt.  He didn't notice at first and was wondering why I kept staring at him strangely.  I had to ask him if he liked her outfit.  He turned to me and said "Are you really pregnant??!" and ran over and gave me a big hug.

I'm not sure when we'll tell our friends and family.  We have Wine & Dine this weekend... I'm not sure I'll be able to get away with not drinking and not raising suspicions.  I'd like to be at least 6 weeks along before we share the news.  If I miscarry I will probably tell a few of my friends, but maybe everyone in my social circle doesn't need to know.  We'll see how long we can play it cool.  My face basically explodes with joy every time I think about it...